Congratulations on qualifying for the first annual HRMSPD 500

Happy Father’s Day and Congratulations on qualifying for the first annual HRMSPD 500 – the High-Powered Riding Mower Speed Demon 500!

Our scouts have been following...

...We’ve read how you’ve accumulated more minor speeding tickets than a pimple-pocked 16 year-old with a new Nissan.

...Each one of our souped-up mowing monsters is cable of 0-20,000 BoG (blades of grass) in less than 25 feet and can bag 500 yards without a pit stop... And, the nitro boost in these babies can leave a ’73 Pinto dead on the starting line...

...As a Happy Father’s Day present, your family chipped in the $2,000 (non-refundable) Entry Fee...And, just think – the race is a full 500 laps! That will be at least 38 hours of hard, fast, bone rattling riding fun for you!

1. Name: ___________________
4. Next of Kin: _________________
6. Life Insurance Provider/Policy Number: _________________/_____________________:
8. I would like a better chance of returning with my: ___________ & ____________ (identify favorite two body parts)


I, ____________,
being of sound mind and body, hereby bequeath all my worldly possessions to HRMSPD LLC. I hereby name HRMSPD LLC first and only beneficiary... all liability whatsoever, including any spectacularly grotesque loss of limb and/or decapitation...time in the locker-room, shower, ...even if arbitrary, capricious, or insane. ...May God have mercy.


Father of the Year from Ready Freddy BBQ

Happy Father’s Day and Congratulations! You’ve been selected as Ready Freddy’s Big Bar-B-Q Beef Buddy of the Year!

...Here are a few quotes from their heartfelt letter that moved us to award you this prestigious honor:

“Dad’s really good at teaching us sports. Last week he had us playing dodge ball out on Route 67. Later this summer, he’s going to teach us fishing by letting us be the live bait.”

...First. You will receive a genuine, stainless steel and aluminum, easy-to-assemble Ready Freddy Big Bar-B-Q Grill, complete with 27 inch manual rotating spit, two flame jets with an easy to use single on-off toggle, Ready Freddy’s patented EasyLight™ starter system (extra-length matches sold separately), and a Ready Freddy Official Bar-B-Q Master apron that says “Here’s the Beef” above an arrow pointing south. That’s right, all the class of NASCAR without the petrol fumes.


Father's Day Sweepstakes Winner!

Introducing the New
Father’s Day Card
First Up:

Congratulations!!! You are this year’s Super Father’s Day Sweepstakes Winner!!!

...The Monday after Father’s Day, our driver, Max, will come to whisk you away to our Headquarters in Cheboygan. If you live on the West Coast, please give Max an extra two or three days’ driving time to get there.

...And, not only will your picture be on the label, but we will make a cast of your face to mold the pies. Soon all of America will be eating YOU!!

...Moreover, just so your friends and neighbors won’t miss this exciting recognition of your achievement, we’ll call a press conference to be held on your lawn during the rhubarb presentation!!



Happy Birthday and Welcome to Jonsin's Hall of Records!

It has come to our attention that you are having yet another birthday. Congratulations!!! It is certainly inspiring to see someone of your great age still breathing. In observance of this momentous occasion, your still breathing and all, we would like to offer you a distinguished seat in Jonsin’s Hall of Records.

Many people are familiar with Guinness Book of World Records. Yet, our lesser known Hall of Records has also enjoyed much distinction over the years. In fact, Jonsin’s Hall of Records was around when King George IV defeated the Huns and ran off the Moonies. Since that time we have been recording momentous occasions for posterity and our pocketbooks.

...Don’t worry about ordering now. We’ll print the book anyway and watch the obituaries. When we see that your name is listed, we’ll send your relatives five copies each. You don’t have to pay anything now, because we’ll bill all of your relatives at twice the rate! Just another caring service of Jonsin’s Hall of Records...