County Notice of Mandatory Vehicle Destruction

Notice of Mandatory Vehicle Destruction

This notice is to inform you that you have ten (10) days to dispose of your vehicle at an approved disposal and recycling facility...

...We have tracked high levels of carbon dioxide and other toxic gases to the areas at which you routinely park your vehicle, such as your residence, your place of employment, and an establishment of dubious reputation called the “Nudie Girls Dance & Car Wash.” This uncontained distribution of toxic pollutants violates ORD §§35.76.43, 35.77.63(b), and 987.65.28(z).

...killed an entire flock of Canadian geese that were migrating overhead at the time

...the holly terror of sound arising from your vehicle sent Mr. Herfer into a Vietnam flashback. He totally destroyed... three pacemakers at Harelson’s Retirement Center went out of whack... Mr. Smith still refuses to come out of his bomb shelter.


Chief Executive,
County Health and Welfare


Health Insurance Denied: Too Many Rubbing Freezers

Re: Health Insurance Application Denial

Dear Applicant:

Our name may be unfamiliar, but United Health Insurance Underwriters underwrites health insurance for many carriers around the nation. ...Unfortunately, we cannot accept your application for health insurance...

...In your application, you indicated that you have been smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, since you were four years old. We initially thought all the black resin in your lungs was just from your six years working in a coal mine...

...Your taste for a “Rubbing Freezer” as you put it (rubbing alcohol, anti-freeze, and a splash of 7-Up) is not only unusual, but highly lethal...

Lastly, we do not consider “alligator wrestling,” “timed bomb defusing,” or...

Based on the above, your HRI score, on a scale of 1 to 100, came out to about 246...

We have one policy that we can offer. Our Knockin’ on Death’s Door health plan... No agent will visit you. We’ll just send you the form and a bill.


Property Manager: Apartment Application Denied

Re: Notice of Application Denial

Dear Rental Applicant:

Your potential future landlord recently retained our services as the management company for the property in which you have expressed an interest in renting. ...We must decline your application.

Our decision is based upon five factors.

...At your last apartment, you were found to have kept at least three pets inside your apartment. ...Alleging that the complex had a pest problem and complaining that the landlord should call an exterminator to take care of the mice around the building was a transparent ploy...

...Your repeated attempts to avoid responsibility for your actions by shifting the blame to the “bikers upstairs” is a sad reflection on your attitude toward your fellow residents and another example of your pathetic attempt to shift blame.

...Wild driving, reckless vandalism, and unauthorized use of pesticides are not qualities we look for in a tenant.

Finally, the Central Collection Agency says... Good luck in the future, whenever you get better -- somewhere else.

Best wishes,
Property Manager


Notice of Land Use Restrictions.

RE: Notice of Land Use Restrictions - Parcel 23849284-39

Dear Prospective Homeowner:

...the area in which you plan to purchase has been classified as a safe harbor habitat for a number of protected species. This area falls under the protection of The Native Species Protection Act of 1992, §42 USC 2345...

...comply with the following rules to ensure the safety of the aforementioned species:

(1) Do not take any act or omission that may impact the natural habitat of the above-mentioned species;

...(4) Never wear plaid when on the property*;

(5) If you barbeque, limit your menu to vegetables and tofurkey;

...(8) Always put your pants on one leg at a time.

If you have any questions, please do not contact us. Trust me, you don’t want to talk to us.


Chief of Staff


Loan Denial. Ouija Board says "no."

Re: Loan #4928475494b-9 Application Status

Dear Loan Applicant:

National First Underwriting underwrites many of the nation’s consumer loans, including the loan for which you recently applied.

...we must deny your application based upon other factors which have recently been found to be better indicators of a person’s future loan payment performance.

First. Our records indicate that were a chronic bed-wetter until you reached the age of 14...

...Third. We asked the Ouija Board what it thought, and...

Best regards and lots of luck...


Happy Birthday, From the King

Office of the King
Central building Square
UF-PD 1-0, Room 452-95D

Dear Distinguished Ancient One:

If I may introduce myself, my name is Straungstun, King Reginald Straungstun III. I am the humble ruler of a small and brave new country...

...Because we are such a young country we have very few people who have reached old age. In order to better balance our population, we have recently begun inviting elderly individuals, such as yourself, to immigrate to our country.

...We offer many benefits for people who participate in our OLder Dignitaries For Advanced Retirement Training (OLDFART) Program...

Happy Birthday and Happy Trails!!!


Cactus Recall Notice


We have recently discovered a slight error on our part which may pose a concern for you...

...It appears that as our relationship with him worsened he began selectively harvesting infected cacti. Thus we felt it was our duty to warn you of the dangers which may now be associated with your cactus. should watch for telltale warning signs...

Take care and good luck!! We’ll be praying for you.


Happy Housewarming. Most of your belongings should arrive in Alaska soon.


This notice is to confirm the information your moving company should have provided you within the last 24 hours.

...As a result, your belongings were shipped to Mobile, Alabama.

...They managed to reload the rest of your belongings before nightfall, except for two lamps and a chair with which Mrs. Smalls would not part. In the end, reason prevailed, and the driver managed to exchange your lamps and chair for a genuine coconut clock from the Big Island and a very nice “Elvis is King” black light poster framed in authentic faux-ivory.

...Finally, the California State Police have an APB out on your dresser, and we are confident you will have it returned to you soon with only a small fine.

Happy Housewarming!


Congratulations. Your Daughter Almost Graduated.

Collegiate Admissions Office
PD-34, Bldg 302, Rm. 432

Re: Expulsion

Dear Parent:

As you know, your daughter has been enrolled as a full-time student in our institution of higher learning for several months now. Regretfully, we must unequivocally request that she now withdraw from our university.

...We might have worked things out more reasonably had your daughter cooperated with the campus police when they asked her to put on some jogging shorts and a school t-shirt. Regrettably, your daughter was prepared for this contingency. She handcuffed her left arm to the classroom radiator and her right arm to the Geography professor, Mr. Thompson. She also managed to handcuff her right leg to Mr. Thompson. Thus, making it impossible for the police to put any clothes on her.

...So, let me say in advance for when she finally graduates, if she ever does --
Congratulations on Graduating! I’m sure that someday she’ll do great in law school.


Happy Birthday and Welcome to Jonsin's Hall of Records!

It has come to our attention that you are having yet another birthday. Congratulations!!! It is certainly inspiring to see someone of your great age still breathing. In observance of this momentous occasion, your still breathing and all, we would like to offer you a distinguished seat in Jonsin’s Hall of Records.

Many people are familiar with Guinness Book of World Records. Yet, our lesser known Hall of Records has also enjoyed much distinction over the years. In fact, Jonsin’s Hall of Records was around when King George IV defeated the Huns and ran off the Moonies. Since that time we have been recording momentous occasions for posterity and our pocketbooks.

...Don’t worry about ordering now. We’ll print the book anyway and watch the obituaries. When we see that your name is listed, we’ll send your relatives five copies each. You don’t have to pay anything now, because we’ll bill all of your relatives at twice the rate! Just another caring service of Jonsin’s Hall of Records...


Happy Birthday from the IRS

Re: Income Tax Audit

Dear Taxpayer:

This letter is to inform you that we have reviewed your latest tax return and find a number of irreconcilable errors which demand immediate attention. Therefore, pursuant to § 28 USC 465(f), we must request your participation in an income tax audit of your financial records.

...The following are a few of the issues that have raised concern and prompted this investigation:

1) You have made numerous deductions which cannot be allowed:

...d) $14,200: claimed medical expenses to visit a parapsychologist to have the spirit of an ancient pygmy god named Do-wah exercised from your body...


Congratulations. Your Son Almost Graduated.

Collegiate Admissions Office
PD-34, Bldg 302, Rm. 432

Re: Expulsion

Dear Parent:

Your son has been enrolled as a full-time student in our institution of higher learning for several years now. Regretfully, we must unequivocally request that he now withdraw from our university. Although graduation is close at hand, it is a goal that your son simply cannot attain at our school.

...However, even the grand-theft auto charges were relatively insignificant compared to what followed.

...We’re still not sure how he got the organ in the trunk of the Dean’s sedan. However, we do know what he did with the organ.

...Your son followed the goat’s example every step of the way and was found naked with rose pedals in his mouth, passed out on the mayor’s lawn with his livestock.

So, let me say in advance... --
Congratulations on Graduating! I’m sure he’s got a great career in politics ahead.


Congrats on the New Car, Just Don't Drive It.

Dear New Car Customer:

Congratulations on your recent new car purchase!

...The steering defects are limited in practical impact and will only affect steering when making right turns. Thus, to safely make a right turn you may make three lefts, or do a U-turn in reverse while turning left. Simply avoid turning the steering wheel to the right and you should not notice any steering problems...


Happy Anniversary from City Hall.

BL-RS 343A
Office of Records
Central Building

This may come as a bit of a shock, considering it’s your anniversary. However, we regret to inform you that our office has discovered that you and your spouse are not legally married; at least not to each other...