Government Notice

County Notice of Mandatory Vehicle Destruction



Notice of Mandatory Vehicle Destruction


This notice is to inform you that you have ten (10) days to dispose of your vehicle at an approved disposal and recycling facility...

...We have tracked high levels of carbon dioxide and other toxic gases to the areas at which you routinely park your vehicle, such as your residence, your place of employment, and an establishment of dubious reputation called the “Nudie Girls Dance & Car Wash.” This uncontained distribution of toxic pollutants violates ORD §§35.76.43, 35.77.63(b), and 987.65.28(z).

...killed an entire flock of Canadian geese that were migrating overhead at the time

...the holly terror of sound arising from your vehicle sent Mr. Herfer into a Vietnam flashback. He totally destroyed... three pacemakers at Harelson’s Retirement Center went out of whack... Mr. Smith still refuses to come out of his bomb shelter.

Fourth...

Chief Executive,
County Health and Welfare


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Notice of Land Use Restrictions.



RE: Notice of Land Use Restrictions - Parcel 23849284-39

Dear Prospective Homeowner:


...the area in which you plan to purchase has been classified as a safe harbor habitat for a number of protected species. This area falls under the protection of The Native Species Protection Act of 1992, §42 USC 2345...

...comply with the following rules to ensure the safety of the aforementioned species:

(1) Do not take any act or omission that may impact the natural habitat of the above-mentioned species;

...(4) Never wear plaid when on the property*;

(5) If you barbeque, limit your menu to vegetables and tofurkey;

...(8) Always put your pants on one leg at a time.

If you have any questions, please do not contact us. Trust me, you don’t want to talk to us.

Sincerely,

Chief of Staff




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Happy Birthday from the IRS



Re: Income Tax Audit

Dear Taxpayer:

This letter is to inform you that we have reviewed your latest tax return and find a number of irreconcilable errors which demand immediate attention. Therefore, pursuant to § 28 USC 465(f), we must request your participation in an income tax audit of your financial records.

...The following are a few of the issues that have raised concern and prompted this investigation:

1) You have made numerous deductions which cannot be allowed:

...d) $14,200: claimed medical expenses to visit a parapsychologist to have the spirit of an ancient pygmy god named Do-wah exercised from your body...



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Happy Anniversary from City Hall.


BL-RS 343A
Office of Records
Central Building

This may come as a bit of a shock, considering it’s your anniversary. However, we regret to inform you that our office has discovered that you and your spouse are not legally married; at least not to each other...

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