County Notice of Mandatory Vehicle Destruction

Notice of Mandatory Vehicle Destruction

This notice is to inform you that you have ten (10) days to dispose of your vehicle at an approved disposal and recycling facility...

...We have tracked high levels of carbon dioxide and other toxic gases to the areas at which you routinely park your vehicle, such as your residence, your place of employment, and an establishment of dubious reputation called the “Nudie Girls Dance & Car Wash.” This uncontained distribution of toxic pollutants violates ORD §§35.76.43, 35.77.63(b), and 987.65.28(z).

...killed an entire flock of Canadian geese that were migrating overhead at the time

...the holly terror of sound arising from your vehicle sent Mr. Herfer into a Vietnam flashback. He totally destroyed... three pacemakers at Harelson’s Retirement Center went out of whack... Mr. Smith still refuses to come out of his bomb shelter.


Chief Executive,
County Health and Welfare


Congratulations on qualifying for the first annual HRMSPD 500

Happy Father’s Day and Congratulations on qualifying for the first annual HRMSPD 500 – the High-Powered Riding Mower Speed Demon 500!

Our scouts have been following...

...We’ve read how you’ve accumulated more minor speeding tickets than a pimple-pocked 16 year-old with a new Nissan.

...Each one of our souped-up mowing monsters is cable of 0-20,000 BoG (blades of grass) in less than 25 feet and can bag 500 yards without a pit stop... And, the nitro boost in these babies can leave a ’73 Pinto dead on the starting line...

...As a Happy Father’s Day present, your family chipped in the $2,000 (non-refundable) Entry Fee...And, just think – the race is a full 500 laps! That will be at least 38 hours of hard, fast, bone rattling riding fun for you!

1. Name: ___________________
4. Next of Kin: _________________
6. Life Insurance Provider/Policy Number: _________________/_____________________:
8. I would like a better chance of returning with my: ___________ & ____________ (identify favorite two body parts)


I, ____________,
being of sound mind and body, hereby bequeath all my worldly possessions to HRMSPD LLC. I hereby name HRMSPD LLC first and only beneficiary... all liability whatsoever, including any spectacularly grotesque loss of limb and/or decapitation...time in the locker-room, shower, ...even if arbitrary, capricious, or insane. ...May God have mercy.