Property Manager: Apartment Application Denied

Re: Notice of Application Denial

Dear Rental Applicant:

Your potential future landlord recently retained our services as the management company for the property in which you have expressed an interest in renting. ...We must decline your application.

Our decision is based upon five factors.

...At your last apartment, you were found to have kept at least three pets inside your apartment. ...Alleging that the complex had a pest problem and complaining that the landlord should call an exterminator to take care of the mice around the building was a transparent ploy...

...Your repeated attempts to avoid responsibility for your actions by shifting the blame to the “bikers upstairs” is a sad reflection on your attitude toward your fellow residents and another example of your pathetic attempt to shift blame.

...Wild driving, reckless vandalism, and unauthorized use of pesticides are not qualities we look for in a tenant.

Finally, the Central Collection Agency says... Good luck in the future, whenever you get better -- somewhere else.

Best wishes,
Property Manager


Notice of Land Use Restrictions.

RE: Notice of Land Use Restrictions - Parcel 23849284-39

Dear Prospective Homeowner:

...the area in which you plan to purchase has been classified as a safe harbor habitat for a number of protected species. This area falls under the protection of The Native Species Protection Act of 1992, §42 USC 2345...

...comply with the following rules to ensure the safety of the aforementioned species:

(1) Do not take any act or omission that may impact the natural habitat of the above-mentioned species;

...(4) Never wear plaid when on the property*;

(5) If you barbeque, limit your menu to vegetables and tofurkey;

...(8) Always put your pants on one leg at a time.

If you have any questions, please do not contact us. Trust me, you don’t want to talk to us.


Chief of Staff


Happy Housewarming. Most of your belongings should arrive in Alaska soon.


This notice is to confirm the information your moving company should have provided you within the last 24 hours.

...As a result, your belongings were shipped to Mobile, Alabama.

...They managed to reload the rest of your belongings before nightfall, except for two lamps and a chair with which Mrs. Smalls would not part. In the end, reason prevailed, and the driver managed to exchange your lamps and chair for a genuine coconut clock from the Big Island and a very nice “Elvis is King” black light poster framed in authentic faux-ivory.

...Finally, the California State Police have an APB out on your dresser, and we are confident you will have it returned to you soon with only a small fine.

Happy Housewarming!


Congrats on the New Car, Just Don't Drive It.

Dear New Car Customer:

Congratulations on your recent new car purchase!

...The steering defects are limited in practical impact and will only affect steering when making right turns. Thus, to safely make a right turn you may make three lefts, or do a U-turn in reverse while turning left. Simply avoid turning the steering wheel to the right and you should not notice any steering problems...