Happy Birthday, From the King

Office of the King
Central building Square
UF-PD 1-0, Room 452-95D

Dear Distinguished Ancient One:

If I may introduce myself, my name is Straungstun, King Reginald Straungstun III. I am the humble ruler of a small and brave new country...

...Because we are such a young country we have very few people who have reached old age. In order to better balance our population, we have recently begun inviting elderly individuals, such as yourself, to immigrate to our country.

...We offer many benefits for people who participate in our OLder Dignitaries For Advanced Retirement Training (OLDFART) Program...

Happy Birthday and Happy Trails!!!


Happy Birthday from Stervin's. Don't Put Candles on this Birthday Pie.


Someone who cares about you has been kind enough to place this order for you in honor of your birthday. This confirmation notice is another of Stervin’s customer-oriented services. Please review the data below for accuracy. Also please note that because your order was posted as a RUSH, any corrections to this data must be placed within the next 15 minutes, as the delivery truck has already departed. We hope you enjoy your order and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!


Happy Birthday and Welcome to Jonsin's Hall of Records!

It has come to our attention that you are having yet another birthday. Congratulations!!! It is certainly inspiring to see someone of your great age still breathing. In observance of this momentous occasion, your still breathing and all, we would like to offer you a distinguished seat in Jonsin’s Hall of Records.

Many people are familiar with Guinness Book of World Records. Yet, our lesser known Hall of Records has also enjoyed much distinction over the years. In fact, Jonsin’s Hall of Records was around when King George IV defeated the Huns and ran off the Moonies. Since that time we have been recording momentous occasions for posterity and our pocketbooks.

...Don’t worry about ordering now. We’ll print the book anyway and watch the obituaries. When we see that your name is listed, we’ll send your relatives five copies each. You don’t have to pay anything now, because we’ll bill all of your relatives at twice the rate! Just another caring service of Jonsin’s Hall of Records...


Happy Birthday from the IRS

Re: Income Tax Audit

Dear Taxpayer:

This letter is to inform you that we have reviewed your latest tax return and find a number of irreconcilable errors which demand immediate attention. Therefore, pursuant to § 28 USC 465(f), we must request your participation in an income tax audit of your financial records.

...The following are a few of the issues that have raised concern and prompted this investigation:

1) You have made numerous deductions which cannot be allowed:

...d) $14,200: claimed medical expenses to visit a parapsychologist to have the spirit of an ancient pygmy god named Do-wah exercised from your body...


Happy Birthday from Sam's Burial Plots & Discount Mortuary

Happy Birthday
Sam’s Burial Plots

Happy Birthday!!! We wanted to congratulate you on this wonderful day of celebration. It’s not often that we have the good fortune of writing to someone of your advanced age. Typically we must be content to speak with the next of kin. But you’re still alive and kicking, so were very honored to be able to correspond with you.

Many people fail to prepare for their ultimate destination. Consequently, arrangements are often made last minute and under difficult circumstances. Today – your birthday – is the best time to consider purchasing a burial plot, because today you’re one step closer to us! And we’re here to welcome you to your port of final departure...