April Fools & Fun

County Notice of Mandatory Vehicle Destruction



Notice of Mandatory Vehicle Destruction


This notice is to inform you that you have ten (10) days to dispose of your vehicle at an approved disposal and recycling facility...

...We have tracked high levels of carbon dioxide and other toxic gases to the areas at which you routinely park your vehicle, such as your residence, your place of employment, and an establishment of dubious reputation called the “Nudie Girls Dance & Car Wash.” This uncontained distribution of toxic pollutants violates ORD §§35.76.43, 35.77.63(b), and 987.65.28(z).

...killed an entire flock of Canadian geese that were migrating overhead at the time

...the holly terror of sound arising from your vehicle sent Mr. Herfer into a Vietnam flashback. He totally destroyed... three pacemakers at Harelson’s Retirement Center went out of whack... Mr. Smith still refuses to come out of his bomb shelter.

Fourth...

Chief Executive,
County Health and Welfare


0 Comments

Health Insurance Denied: Too Many Rubbing Freezers


Re: Health Insurance Application Denial

Dear Applicant:

Our name may be unfamiliar, but United Health Insurance Underwriters underwrites health insurance for many carriers around the nation. ...Unfortunately, we cannot accept your application for health insurance...

...In your application, you indicated that you have been smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, since you were four years old. We initially thought all the black resin in your lungs was just from your six years working in a coal mine...

...Your taste for a “Rubbing Freezer” as you put it (rubbing alcohol, anti-freeze, and a splash of 7-Up) is not only unusual, but highly lethal...

Lastly, we do not consider “alligator wrestling,” “timed bomb defusing,” or...

Based on the above, your HRI score, on a scale of 1 to 100, came out to about 246...

We have one policy that we can offer. Our Knockin’ on Death’s Door health plan... No agent will visit you. We’ll just send you the form and a bill.




0 Comments

Loan Denial. Ouija Board says "no."




Re: Loan #4928475494b-9 Application Status

Dear Loan Applicant:

National First Underwriting underwrites many of the nation’s consumer loans, including the loan for which you recently applied.

...we must deny your application based upon other factors which have recently been found to be better indicators of a person’s future loan payment performance.

First. Our records indicate that were a chronic bed-wetter until you reached the age of 14...

...Third. We asked the Ouija Board what it thought, and...

Best regards and lots of luck...

0 Comments

Do you know someone who should consider Medical School?



Have you ever felt like you would like more out of life? Wouldn’t it be great if you could help people, really make a difference, and get rich doing it? You may be a prime candidate for Hoskin Medical College!

...To see if you really have what it takes, just complete the short quiz below and send it in with a $500.00 application fee. We’ll do the rest.

Background:

Question One: My golf handicap is ______.

Question Two: Sixty-yards out from the green, I would use a _____ iron from the fairway.

...Question Four: The 2010 Mercedes e Class comes in brown or ________ leather.



0 Comments

Do you know someone who should consider Law School?



Have you ever felt like you would like more out of life? Wouldn’t it be great if you could help people, really make a difference, and get rich doing it. You may be a prime candidate for Hoskin Law School!

...To see if you really have what it takes, just complete the short questionnaire below and send it in with a $500.00 application fee....

Background:

Question One: My golf handicap is ______.

Question Two: I would rather be paid (A) $8/hr. __, (B) $50/hr. __, (C) $495/hr. ___.

Question Three: I can hear an ambulance at ___ yards...




0 Comments

Cactus Recall Notice


RECALL NOTICE

We have recently discovered a slight error on our part which may pose a concern for you...

...It appears that as our relationship with him worsened he began selectively harvesting infected cacti. Thus we felt it was our duty to warn you of the dangers which may now be associated with your cactus.

...you should watch for telltale warning signs...

...
Take care and good luck!! We’ll be praying for you.



0 Comments

Thank You for the Order. Your Manure will be Delivered Shortly.



FINAL ORDER CONFIRMATION


Thank you very much for your order. This confirmation notice is another of Stervin’s customer-oriented services. Please review the data below for accuracy. Also please note that because your order was posted as a RUSH, any corrections to this data must be placed within the next 15 minutes, as the delivery truck has already departed. We hope you enjoy your order and HAPPY PLANTING!!

0 Comments