Congratulations on qualifying for the first annual HRMSPD 500

Happy Father’s Day and Congratulations on qualifying for the first annual HRMSPD 500 – the High-Powered Riding Mower Speed Demon 500!

Our scouts have been following...

...We’ve read how you’ve accumulated more minor speeding tickets than a pimple-pocked 16 year-old with a new Nissan.

...Each one of our souped-up mowing monsters is cable of 0-20,000 BoG (blades of grass) in less than 25 feet and can bag 500 yards without a pit stop... And, the nitro boost in these babies can leave a ’73 Pinto dead on the starting line...

...As a Happy Father’s Day present, your family chipped in the $2,000 (non-refundable) Entry Fee...And, just think – the race is a full 500 laps! That will be at least 38 hours of hard, fast, bone rattling riding fun for you!

1. Name: ___________________
4. Next of Kin: _________________
6. Life Insurance Provider/Policy Number: _________________/_____________________:
8. I would like a better chance of returning with my: ___________ & ____________ (identify favorite two body parts)


I, ____________,
being of sound mind and body, hereby bequeath all my worldly possessions to HRMSPD LLC. I hereby name HRMSPD LLC first and only beneficiary... all liability whatsoever, including any spectacularly grotesque loss of limb and/or decapitation...time in the locker-room, shower, ...even if arbitrary, capricious, or insane. ...May God have mercy.