County Notice of Mandatory Vehicle Destruction
Notice of Mandatory Vehicle Destruction
This notice is to inform you that you have ten (10) days to dispose of your vehicle at an approved disposal and recycling facility...
...We have tracked high levels of carbon dioxide and other toxic gases to the areas at which you routinely park your vehicle, such as your residence, your place of employment, and an establishment of dubious reputation called the “Nudie Girls Dance & Car Wash.” This uncontained distribution of toxic pollutants violates ORD §§35.76.43, 35.77.63(b), and 987.65.28(z).
...killed an entire flock of Canadian geese that were migrating overhead at the time
...the holly terror of sound arising from your vehicle sent Mr. Herfer into a Vietnam flashback. He totally destroyed... three pacemakers at Harelson’s Retirement Center went out of whack... Mr. Smith still refuses to come out of his bomb shelter.
Fourth...
Chief Executive,
County Health and Welfare
Health Insurance Denied: Too Many Rubbing Freezers
Re: Health Insurance Application Denial
Dear Applicant:
Our name may be unfamiliar, but United Health Insurance Underwriters underwrites health insurance for many carriers around the nation. ...Unfortunately, we cannot accept your application for health insurance...
...In your application, you indicated that you have been smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, since you were four years old. We initially thought all the black resin in your lungs was just from your six years working in a coal mine...
...Your taste for a “Rubbing Freezer” as you put it (rubbing alcohol, anti-freeze, and a splash of 7-Up) is not only unusual, but highly lethal...
Lastly, we do not consider “alligator wrestling,” “timed bomb defusing,” or...
Based on the above, your HRI score, on a scale of 1 to 100, came out to about 246...
We have one policy that we can offer. Our Knockin’ on Death’s Door health plan... No agent will visit you. We’ll just send you the form and a bill.
Congratulations on qualifying for the first annual HRMSPD 500
Happy Father’s Day and Congratulations on qualifying for the first annual HRMSPD 500 – the High-Powered Riding Mower Speed Demon 500!
Our scouts have been following...
...We’ve read how you’ve accumulated more minor speeding tickets than a pimple-pocked 16 year-old with a new Nissan.
...Each one of our souped-up mowing monsters is cable of 0-20,000 BoG (blades of grass) in less than 25 feet and can bag 500 yards without a pit stop... And, the nitro boost in these babies can leave a ’73 Pinto dead on the starting line...
...As a Happy Father’s Day present, your family chipped in the $2,000 (non-refundable) Entry Fee...And, just think – the race is a full 500 laps! That will be at least 38 hours of hard, fast, bone rattling riding fun for you!
***HRMSPD 500 ENTRY FORM***
1. Name: ___________________
4. Next of Kin: _________________
6. Life Insurance Provider/Policy Number: _________________/_____________________:
8. I would like a better chance of returning with my: ___________ & ____________ (identify favorite two body parts)
Waiver
I, ____________,
being of sound mind and body, hereby bequeath all my worldly possessions to HRMSPD LLC. I hereby name HRMSPD LLC first and only beneficiary... all liability whatsoever, including any spectacularly grotesque loss of limb and/or decapitation...time in the locker-room, shower, ...even if arbitrary, capricious, or insane. ...May God have mercy.
Property Manager: Apartment Application Denied
Re: Notice of Application Denial
Dear Rental Applicant:
Your potential future landlord recently retained our services as the management company for the property in which you have expressed an interest in renting. ...We must decline your application.
Our decision is based upon five factors.
...At your last apartment, you were found to have kept at least three pets inside your apartment. ...Alleging that the complex had a pest problem and complaining that the landlord should call an exterminator to take care of the mice around the building was a transparent ploy...
...Your repeated attempts to avoid responsibility for your actions by shifting the blame to the “bikers upstairs” is a sad reflection on your attitude toward your fellow residents and another example of your pathetic attempt to shift blame.
...Wild driving, reckless vandalism, and unauthorized use of pesticides are not qualities we look for in a tenant.
Finally, the Central Collection Agency says... Good luck in the future, whenever you get better -- somewhere else.
Best wishes,
Property Manager
Notice of Land Use Restrictions.
RE: Notice of Land Use Restrictions - Parcel 23849284-39
Dear Prospective Homeowner:
...the area in which you plan to purchase has been classified as a safe harbor habitat for a number of protected species. This area falls under the protection of The Native Species Protection Act of 1992, §42 USC 2345...
...comply with the following rules to ensure the safety of the aforementioned species:
(1) Do not take any act or omission that may impact the natural habitat of the above-mentioned species;
...(4) Never wear plaid when on the property*;
(5) If you barbeque, limit your menu to vegetables and tofurkey;
...(8) Always put your pants on one leg at a time.
If you have any questions, please do not contact us. Trust me, you don’t want to talk to us.
Sincerely,
Chief of Staff
Loan Denial. Ouija Board says "no."
Re: Loan #4928475494b-9 Application Status
Dear Loan Applicant:
National First Underwriting underwrites many of the nation’s consumer loans, including the loan for which you recently applied.
...we must deny your application based upon other factors which have recently been found to be better indicators of a person’s future loan payment performance.
First. Our records indicate that were a chronic bed-wetter until you reached the age of 14...
...Third. We asked the Ouija Board what it thought, and...
Best regards and lots of luck...
Father of the Year from Ready Freddy BBQ
Happy Father’s Day and Congratulations! You’ve been selected as Ready Freddy’s Big Bar-B-Q Beef Buddy of the Year!
...Here are a few quotes from their heartfelt letter that moved us to award you this prestigious honor:
“Dad’s really good at teaching us sports. Last week he had us playing dodge ball out on Route 67. Later this summer, he’s going to teach us fishing by letting us be the live bait.”
...First. You will receive a genuine, stainless steel and aluminum, easy-to-assemble Ready Freddy Big Bar-B-Q Grill, complete with 27 inch manual rotating spit, two flame jets with an easy to use single on-off toggle, Ready Freddy’s patented EasyLight™ starter system (extra-length matches sold separately), and a Ready Freddy Official Bar-B-Q Master apron that says “Here’s the Beef” above an arrow pointing south. That’s right, all the class of NASCAR without the petrol fumes.
Father's Day Adoption
ANOTHER NEW FATHER’S DAY CARD:
Dear Dad,
There is no other way to say it; you are the best dad in the entire world. We all want to wish you a wonderful, Happy Father’s Day!
...Now, you don’t remember this because it was so long ago, but back when we were school age, we actually adopted you. That’s right, we adopted you.
Mom was at the hospital picking up her methadone one day when she found you...
Since our real dad, a no-good, drug-dealing pimp called Dooby White Shoes, abandoned us shortly after we were born, we needed a father...
Now you know the truth. It’s all on the table. And, we love you more and more each day. So, go have another helping of sauerkraut and Jiffy, compliments of Dr. Gaveislstenstriker, put your feet up, and have a wonderful Father’s Day!
Father's Day Sweepstakes Winner!
Introducing the New
Father’s Day Card
Selection.
First Up:
Congratulations!!! You are this year’s Super Father’s Day Sweepstakes Winner!!!
...The Monday after Father’s Day, our driver, Max, will come to whisk you away to our Headquarters in Cheboygan. If you live on the West Coast, please give Max an extra two or three days’ driving time to get there.
...And, not only will your picture be on the label, but we will make a cast of your face to mold the pies. Soon all of America will be eating YOU!!
...Moreover, just so your friends and neighbors won’t miss this exciting recognition of your achievement, we’ll call a press conference to be held on your lawn during the rhubarb presentation!!
CONGRATULATIONS AND HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!
Do you know someone who should consider Medical School?
Have you ever felt like you would like more out of life? Wouldn’t it be great if you could help people, really make a difference, and get rich doing it? You may be a prime candidate for Hoskin Medical College!
...To see if you really have what it takes, just complete the short quiz below and send it in with a $500.00 application fee. We’ll do the rest.
Background:
Question One: My golf handicap is ______.
Question Two: Sixty-yards out from the green, I would use a _____ iron from the fairway.
...Question Four: The 2010 Mercedes e Class comes in brown or ________ leather.
Do you know someone who should consider Law School?
Have you ever felt like you would like more out of life? Wouldn’t it be great if you could help people, really make a difference, and get rich doing it. You may be a prime candidate for Hoskin Law School!
...To see if you really have what it takes, just complete the short questionnaire below and send it in with a $500.00 application fee....
Background:
Question One: My golf handicap is ______.
Question Two: I would rather be paid (A) $8/hr. __, (B) $50/hr. __, (C) $495/hr. ___.
Question Three: I can hear an ambulance at ___ yards...
Happy Birthday, From the King
Office of the King
Central building Square
UF-PD 1-0, Room 452-95D
Dear Distinguished Ancient One:
If I may introduce myself, my name is Straungstun, King Reginald Straungstun III. I am the humble ruler of a small and brave new country...
...Because we are such a young country we have very few people who have reached old age. In order to better balance our population, we have recently begun inviting elderly individuals, such as yourself, to immigrate to our country.
...We offer many benefits for people who participate in our OLder Dignitaries For Advanced Retirement Training (OLDFART) Program...
Happy Birthday and Happy Trails!!!
We had a Few Problems While You Were Away...
We didn’t want to bother you while you were away from the office. We know that this time off was very important for you, and we really tried to take care of matters without your involvement.
At first we didn’t think you’d mind a little problem. Then we thought we could take care of most of it ourselves before you returned. Then the insurance company became uncooperative and began making unfounded allegations rather than dealing with our claims. We still thought we could take care of things, until the police got involved...
...Don’t worry, I’m sure once they find your car we’ll be able to work most of this out. Your attorney says you’ll get no more than three years if you cooperate.
Welcome Back!
Cactus Recall Notice
RECALL NOTICE
We have recently discovered a slight error on our part which may pose a concern for you...
...It appears that as our relationship with him worsened he began selectively harvesting infected cacti. Thus we felt it was our duty to warn you of the dangers which may now be associated with your cactus.
...you should watch for telltale warning signs...
...Take care and good luck!! We’ll be praying for you.
Happy Birthday from Stervin's. Don't Put Candles on this Birthday Pie.
FINAL ORDER CONFIRMATION
Someone who cares about you has been kind enough to place this order for you in honor of your birthday. This confirmation notice is another of Stervin’s customer-oriented services. Please review the data below for accuracy. Also please note that because your order was posted as a RUSH, any corrections to this data must be placed within the next 15 minutes, as the delivery truck has already departed. We hope you enjoy your order and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
Happy Housewarming. Most of your belongings should arrive in Alaska soon.
RE: NOTICE OF DELAYED PROPERTY SHIPMENT
This notice is to confirm the information your moving company should have provided you within the last 24 hours.
...As a result, your belongings were shipped to Mobile, Alabama.
...They managed to reload the rest of your belongings before nightfall, except for two lamps and a chair with which Mrs. Smalls would not part. In the end, reason prevailed, and the driver managed to exchange your lamps and chair for a genuine coconut clock from the Big Island and a very nice “Elvis is King” black light poster framed in authentic faux-ivory.
...Finally, the California State Police have an APB out on your dresser, and we are confident you will have it returned to you soon with only a small fine.
Happy Housewarming!
Congratulations. Your Daughter Almost Graduated.
Collegiate Admissions Office
PD-34, Bldg 302, Rm. 432
Re: Expulsion
Dear Parent:
As you know, your daughter has been enrolled as a full-time student in our institution of higher learning for several months now. Regretfully, we must unequivocally request that she now withdraw from our university.
...We might have worked things out more reasonably had your daughter cooperated with the campus police when they asked her to put on some jogging shorts and a school t-shirt. Regrettably, your daughter was prepared for this contingency. She handcuffed her left arm to the classroom radiator and her right arm to the Geography professor, Mr. Thompson. She also managed to handcuff her right leg to Mr. Thompson. Thus, making it impossible for the police to put any clothes on her.
...So, let me say in advance for when she finally graduates, if she ever does -- Congratulations on Graduating! I’m sure that someday she’ll do great in law school.
Happy Birthday and Welcome to Jonsin's Hall of Records!
It has come to our attention that you are having yet another birthday. Congratulations!!! It is certainly inspiring to see someone of your great age still breathing. In observance of this momentous occasion, your still breathing and all, we would like to offer you a distinguished seat in Jonsin’s Hall of Records.
Many people are familiar with Guinness Book of World Records. Yet, our lesser known Hall of Records has also enjoyed much distinction over the years. In fact, Jonsin’s Hall of Records was around when King George IV defeated the Huns and ran off the Moonies. Since that time we have been recording momentous occasions for posterity and our pocketbooks.
...Don’t worry about ordering now. We’ll print the book anyway and watch the obituaries. When we see that your name is listed, we’ll send your relatives five copies each. You don’t have to pay anything now, because we’ll bill all of your relatives at twice the rate! Just another caring service of Jonsin’s Hall of Records...
Happy Birthday from the IRS
Re: Income Tax Audit
Dear Taxpayer:
This letter is to inform you that we have reviewed your latest tax return and find a number of irreconcilable errors which demand immediate attention. Therefore, pursuant to § 28 USC 465(f), we must request your participation in an income tax audit of your financial records.
...The following are a few of the issues that have raised concern and prompted this investigation:
1) You have made numerous deductions which cannot be allowed:
...d) $14,200: claimed medical expenses to visit a parapsychologist to have the spirit of an ancient pygmy god named Do-wah exercised from your body...
Thank You for the Order. Your Manure will be Delivered Shortly.
FINAL ORDER CONFIRMATION
Thank you very much for your order. This confirmation notice is another of Stervin’s customer-oriented services. Please review the data below for accuracy. Also please note that because your order was posted as a RUSH, any corrections to this data must be placed within the next 15 minutes, as the delivery truck has already departed. We hope you enjoy your order and HAPPY PLANTING!!
Congratulations. Your Son Almost Graduated.
Collegiate Admissions Office
PD-34, Bldg 302, Rm. 432
Re: Expulsion
Dear Parent:
Your son has been enrolled as a full-time student in our institution of higher learning for several years now. Regretfully, we must unequivocally request that he now withdraw from our university. Although graduation is close at hand, it is a goal that your son simply cannot attain at our school.
...However, even the grand-theft auto charges were relatively insignificant compared to what followed.
...We’re still not sure how he got the organ in the trunk of the Dean’s sedan. However, we do know what he did with the organ.
...Your son followed the goat’s example every step of the way and was found naked with rose pedals in his mouth, passed out on the mayor’s lawn with his livestock.
So, let me say in advance... -- Congratulations on Graduating! I’m sure he’s got a great career in politics ahead.
Bon Voyage from Happy Holiday Travel. Your itinerary has been slightly changed...
Re: Travel Itinerary Acquisition and Changes
Dear Customer:
This letter is to notify you that your travel package has been sold to us by your travel agent, and therefore we will be taking care of all your travel arrangements for your up coming vacation.
...However, we will have to move your departure date forward a few days. Your new departure date will be today. To account for the unexpected early departure we managed to get you the latest flight of the day, which departs at 11:58 p.m. We must ask that you ensure your timely arrival at the airport at least six hours prior to departure. Flights in to areas of recent military activity require additional Homeland Security screening...
Congrats on the New Car, Just Don't Drive It.
Dear New Car Customer:
Congratulations on your recent new car purchase!
...The steering defects are limited in practical impact and will only affect steering when making right turns. Thus, to safely make a right turn you may make three lefts, or do a U-turn in reverse while turning left. Simply avoid turning the steering wheel to the right and you should not notice any steering problems...
Happy Anniversary from City Hall.
BL-RS 343A
Office of Records
Central Building
This may come as a bit of a shock, considering it’s your anniversary. However, we regret to inform you that our office has discovered that you and your spouse are not legally married; at least not to each other...
Midland Retirement Center
Happy Retirement
from
Midland Retirement Center
Congratulations on your retirement!! We wanted to personally acknowledge your many years of hard work and devotion to your job. You’ve put in many long, hard hours and you deserve something good for yourself. You should be commended and rewarded for all your achievement over the many years...
...At Midland we like to promote activity for our residents. That’s why all our condominiums start on the 5th floor of each building and go up to the 27th. Of course elevators would promote inactivity, so we took them out and replaced them with fire poles. Can’t you just see yourself every morning zipping down 27 stories, clinging to a greased metal pole for dear life. After that you won’t even need your morning coffee...
Happy Birthday from Sam's Burial Plots & Discount Mortuary
Happy Birthday
from
Sam’s Burial Plots
Happy Birthday!!! We wanted to congratulate you on this wonderful day of celebration. It’s not often that we have the good fortune of writing to someone of your advanced age. Typically we must be content to speak with the next of kin. But you’re still alive and kicking, so were very honored to be able to correspond with you.
Many people fail to prepare for their ultimate destination. Consequently, arrangements are often made last minute and under difficult circumstances. Today – your birthday – is the best time to consider purchasing a burial plot, because today you’re one step closer to us! And we’re here to welcome you to your port of final departure...
Introducing eKardz: For all your egreeting needs.
Welcome to eKardz
eKardz, the bad boys of greeting cards and online greetings. These cards have copped a ‘tude!
An eKard can be used as a greeting card or an e-greeting card. You can copy them, personalize them, email them, print them, fax them, mail them, or just drop one on someone’s desk for fun.* As you will see, eKardz are about a page long -- longer than a typical greeting card and shorter than any Russian novel. Send them to family, friends, co-workers, colleagues, and acquaintances. Or, just browse them for kicks.
I’ll introduce new eKardz via this blog. The first handful will come rapid fire. After that, my goal will be to add at least one or two each week after that, depending on visitor/user feedback and popularity. So, if you like what you see, please comment on the blog or email me via the Contact Page and let me know.
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Of course, you could send one of those cute animated ecards with frolicking puppies and bouncing balloons. Yuk. And, the spam those purveyors of pap continually send you will be the gift that keeps on giving. You can also slog through the aisles of desolation at the local greeting card shop or grocery story and drop your $7.95 on the counter for dancing bears accompanied by a tinny recording of Achy Breaky Heart. Or, you can grab a handful of fun and attitude with a unique new eKard. No spam. No spyware. No dancing bears. Just good, ‘tudinal-adjusted fun for all. Better yet -- eKardz are FREE.
That’s right; no registration to complete, no spyware or adware to download, no spam for you or the recipient, no cost, no third-party advertising on the download eKardz -- just good fun. Enjoy!