Re: Income Tax Audit


Dear Taxpayer:

This letter is to inform you that we have reviewed your latest tax return and find a number of irreconcilable errors which demand immediate attention. Therefore, pursuant to § 28 USC 465(f), we must request your participation in an income tax audit of your financial records.

We also must remind you that under the authority of §28 USC 101(b)(1), your participation in this process is only voluntary in the sense that you may choose not to appear when demanded, but if you do so, we will have you frog-marched to the local constabulary and beaten with a hardcover copy of the tax code.

It will facilitate our auditing process if you collect and make available all of your financial records for the last seven years, including bank statements, original receipts, processed checks, unprocessed checks, and all other financial records. This too is mandatory under §28 USC 107(a)(3) and failure to comply will result in the public ransacking of your residence by our two best on-site inspectors, Bobby-the-Sneak and Guido.

The following are a few of the issues that have raised concern and prompted this investigation:

1) You have made numerous deductions which cannot be allowed:

a) $13,750: four week business meeting deduction for a trip to the Bahamas for yourself and your secretary, including lodging at the Beach Boogie Bungalows, dinner at the Rendezvous Retreat, under-the-covers snorkeling, nightclubs, and a wall clock made from coconuts;

b) $26,300: claimed deduction for an “authentic” Native American headdress you allegedly donated to the local Noon Optimist Club;

c) $16,750: claimed loss for an authentic Lama-hair couch which burned when your coconut clock caught fire – you also claimed to have donated this item to the Boy Scouts last year; and

d) $14,200: claimed medical expenses to visit a parapsychologist to have the spirit of an ancient pygmy god named Do-wah exercised from your body.

2) It appears that you are not reporting a significant portion of your taxable income, as follows:

a) Constructive income is taxable income: our records indicate that you have consistently parked at parking meters which have not expired. The amount of time which you have parked free (432 minutes) multiplied by the parking rate ($20/60 minutes) equals your constructive free parking income for last year: $144.00.

b) Finally, didn’t you think we’d notice your picture on the Clearing House Sweepstakes nationally televised commercial after you won that $5,000,000?

We look forward to your cooperation in helping us lock you up and throw away the key. We would advise you of your rights, but you don’t have any. We presume you will enjoy the irony of our selecting this day, the day of your birth, to send you this notice.

So, Happy Birthday!


Warmest Regards,

IRS Agent